SimplyComplexJen

My basil, rosemary, and tomatoes all doubled in size while I was on holiday.  The broccoli is showing signs of edible parts, and so are my pepper plants. 

My strawberries did not survive (it appears), nor did my arugula. 

My inbox is overflowing and if you don't hear from me in 20 min, you might check out my office.

I have over 300 unread emails in my box because I refused to be a slave to the blackberry while I was gone, and I'm not sure I'll go read them all.

My knee doesn't hurt anymore, so will also resume training today.... although does it count if all I want to do is 90min of yoga?  What if I do 90 min of yoga, and a quick 1.5 mi jog?  After all, I should probably ease back into it after 10 days off... (or so I'll say).

All in all..... the dog missed me, the kiddo missed me, and my routine is back.  Bonnaroo is checked off my bucket list.

Yes, it's good to be home.

Now, what trip do I plan next.....?

Hi Family/Friends;

You're probably looking for an update, but there's not much to share other than our plan of attack.

A little background to refresh your memory, last November, blood in the urine happened with bebe(think color of koolaid), and it was quite a bit worse. We went thru CT scans, xrays, and ultrasound and blood and urine tests each time we went to hospital. Her symptoms only lasted about 20 hours. The testing was done over a 3 week period. This Monday we were back in the ER for the same problem, but the symptoms only lasted about 5 hours and were less severe.

We've already been to several doctors this week, and luckily they all agree with the approach of the Kidney Specialist, which is outlined below.

Wednesday, when we were at the pediatrician there was still signs of protein in her urine, with a score of 2 positive. Today at the kidney specialist, of course it was gone. We have the most incredible doctor there, and since this has happened twice, they are going to move forward with a plan to see why this is happening. So, here is the plan to diagnose:

We first have to collect 24 hours of urine in a jug and take it back to them on Monday. As Bebe said, "that won't be lemonade in the fridge!" (ewwww). At that time, we have to also go get lab work done and they will use those blood tests to measure her kidney functions and compare that to the testing we had done last November.

Then in about 3 weeks we will get another ultra-sound to see if the inflammation of her bladder and kidneys has gone down any. The CT scan from Monday was negative for stones, but they will take another one the same day as the ultrasound to see if there are any changes, and also compare that ultra-sound and CT scans to the ones from last November.

After all of that, if there is still no clear reason for her problems, then we will do a biopsy of the kidney.

In the meantime, there's a few minor dietary and other changes to our routine, but it's for the most part, business as usual for her.

Thanks for all your emails and calls with concerns.

Many thanks,
Us

My baby turns 7 today. Each year for my little one's birthday, and some other special occasions, I write her a letter. Usually a 2 or 3 page handwritten letter that recaps some of the highs and lows of the previous year. The night where I write the letter is usually lacking in sleep, full of introspection, sometimes a few tears, and usually a lot of smiles. Last night was no different.

This year though, I spent some time thinking over the last 7 years about the people who have helped along the way. There are so many people that have made our lives better and I'm at a loss on how to thank them appropriately. Hopefully they know they can call me at 3am and I'll come help them if needed. I can never completely return what they've given to our lives.

Part of the letter was naming these people by name. Some of them are no longer in our lives for various reasons, and others I think will be there for a long time to come. Surprisingly very few are actually related, but everyone I told her about everyone I consider family.

I haven't decided at what age I will give these letters to her, but I hope when she reads them she will learn to appreciate that sometimes the best "family" to have is not the ones you're related to.

I decided to start doing this after receiving a hand written letter from my step mom. She sent it while I was pregnant. It was a simple one page letter that shared my pain, my joys, and gave encouragement. It is carefully stored where I keep other valuables, such as passports and birth certificates. It means that much to me. It's been read dozens of times and might have been the best "baby gift" I received. I guess my hope is that one day maybe even one of these letters will mean as much to my little one.

The games and gifts she receives this birthday will eventually be outgrown or broke. What was the coolest gift will soon be only remembered in photos, but I hope these letters from her mom will be something that will never go out of style or be forgotten. To me, that's the best birthday gift I could give my daughter (despite her desire for a wii).

People are scared of failing. Without even defining sometimes what success is, they are scared of not achieving it. For some, anything over a 4hr marathon is a failure. For others, simply finishing is a success.

It's a great sense of empowerment to decide that you won't let the fear stand in your way. When I tell people I have signed up for my first triathlon, most commonly I hear, "I couldn't even run a mile!" or "WHY?!?!?!?". What most people don't realize is that they COULD run a 5k if they needed, or even a mile. Most are so scared of failing that they don't even participate.

I'm training for my first triathlon. It's a sprint distance. To me, a successful tri is simply a finish. It's learning to swim as a 30-something and putting it together with running and cycling in one event. The fear of not being able to finish has kept me from trying so many things in life (beyond sports).

There comes a time where everyone looks at themselves and decides the fear is not going to control them, and I believe at that moment, you have already achieved success.

Hellooooo out there (in my best Jerry Seinfeld impersonation). My blog is not dead, it just pretends to be. I’m a busy woman. I will calm down soon, just give me some space to work this out.

mmmmmmmm..........

I'm driving home from work, and I swear I must have been a good girl this week (hey... stop snickering, I can be!) because walking up to me in the hot sun, was a young, fine fireman walking towards me....

Yes Viriginia, there is a Santa Clause, and there is a God....

Suddenly I feel the urge for dollar bills...

I start waving them out the window, hoping he'll see me....

He is swearing in the hot September sun.... and I'll tell you, it was nice!

Then I realize, this isn't some mid-day conference-call fantasy, but a ploy to get women like me to give to the MDA. I normally don't give to that organization for a variety of reasons, but mostly due to the enormous overhead costs (always check out a non-profit before giving money.... how efficient are they?)

BUT! You put a fireman with a boot and a great smile in front of me, dollar bills come out of my hand like a 18 year old boy in his first strip club.

Back to the story.....He walks by my car, I give him the dollar bills.... in his boot in his hand... he smiles gives me my sticker and moves on to the next MILF in the car behind me having the exact same thoughts.

(this also tells me my dating life is lacking)

Abby +3
Mom -2

Abby Wins. :)

Abby (+1) : walks in without fear
Mom (-1) : walks out in tears

Abby (+1) : shows her independence by walking in the room and making friends
Mom (+1/-1): both proud and sad she has so much independence at age 5

Abby (+1): takes a great photo
Mom (-1): does not - lol

I have so much to catch up on here, writing about the HTC relay, Abbys first day of school, and a variety of other happenings..... but today I just don't have it in me.

Yesterday marked the beginning of what could possibly be the worst year of my life. In fact, I know it is. That is saying a lot considering my life (some self-imposed, some not).

This time last year, Lisa's funeral was being planned, my grandfather's health was going downhill quickly, and Dad was making improvements in rehab (though this ended quickly too). Not to mention some personal snafus (financial and relationship) that I would like to forget.

In the 10 weeks following Lisa's death, I would have my heart broken, my grandfather passed away, a rift in the family formed that has not yet been repaired, and then my Dad passing away. Then the merry-fucking-holidays were around the corner.

(I can't believe I am about to admit this) I think back to the Christmas when bebe was young and I was living with her dad. I was huddled in the shower stall, the water already turned cold but I don't remember it being cold, begging him to take me to the ER. I knew if I came out of that shower, I wasn't sure how I'd find the will to live until morning (as course being the sensitive man he is told me to "get ahold of myself and get over whatever it is... thank God I realized how bebe would never forgive me). So many things seemed so wrong at the time....

That Christmas was the lowest point in my life in many years. The difference between then and last year? Those people I lost? When I came out of my "funk" or whatever you want to call it, they were there.

My grandfather always had some life lesson to share with me, always happy to see me. My dad while not always pleased with me, always made it clear I was welcomed home. 3 out of 4 Sundays, I went Home to see him. Lisa represents a group of friends that have been in my life about 12 years now.

I also can't forget my cousin who died 8 years ago on Labor Day weekend as well. Everyone loved Chris..... and it seemed even when he messed up, he could do no wrong in the family. I remember how jealous I was of him, and how much I looked up to him.

I think this is the part where I conclude with some deep statement on how this made me stronger.... I have nothing. I'm crying when I write this and maybe in a few years I can look back and have some deep insight on how 2006 affected my life and made me stronger and better. Right now, it's just as raw as it was last year.

I think the most appropriate conclusion is how we ended 2006 in toast on New Year's Eve with my little (who acts like my big - bless his heart) brother : "F '06"

Dear Chuck,

You're an asshole.

Regards,
Jen


Why is Chuck an asshole? Because he knew he could have helped and refused. I needed a battery. I wanted to run to home depot and my car wouldn't start. I had a friend come over and jump start me (but of course I asked him : Hey! Can you come jump me?? He was disappointed that I meant my car). I drove to O'Reiley's and bought a battery.

Then he handed it to me.

I asked, doesn't the price include installation? (I know I should have asked before). He replies no, but I have tools to loan you and hands me a tool box. He claims it's a liability issue.

Luckily I've done this before and am thinking, "eh, no problem." I start digging and digging through the tool box. LOTS of sockets, no ratchet. There were other tools, none the right size. I look and test tools for about 20 minutes. I'm pissed, it's after 9 and I'm tired.

I go back in.... hand it back to him and give the box back to him. He saw me the whole time and asked, "was there a problem". I explain to him the problem of sockets without a ratchet. He actually had the nerve to say, "oh yeah, I forgot to put in back in there."

Now the store is closed and I have to ask him for a jump start, I'll drive to a friends' house to get this done. When I asked him for the jump, he looked at me, rolled his eyes and said, "I guess I can help you." He changes it (with the use of proper tools) in under 2 minutes.

Time lapsed for Jen? 28 minutes.

In those 2 minutes, he managed to ask where I went to high school.... typical question for a 22 year old I think. Turns out he went to my HS. Doesn't remember me.... there is a shocker. I was 8 years older. I stopped going to HS parties in, well, about when I was 18 years old.

Chuck, assuming the name on your shirt is correct.... You are the first person in 2007 that I can call a douche bag.

Congratulations.

Our company actually received DEATH THREATS over the recalls. We don't even make the food! We're just brokers.

I'm always amazed at people who love their pets so much, they are willing to (threaten to) kill a human. Irony lost on anyone?

Business is almost back to normal. Some will be forever lost.

I was able to get a unique perspective on this. On one hand, I am a pet owner and logged into petconnection.com almost daily to get updates (sometimes they broke news faster than we were hearing it) and on the other, I have a business that it is my job.

I think the most disturbing accusations from those outside the industry was that "we should have known". But in our case, we don't even see the product... as brokers, we just handle the paperwork in between the two.

I'm still frustrated about the way it was handled. I lost what little trust I had in the FDA. I no longer (knowingly) buy Chinese food products.

I continue to lose money over this. Personally. It sucks and I can't do anything to stop it either.

The government put some near-impossible restrictions on Chinese protein imports to satisfy the public, but honestly what used to take 2-5 days to clear is taking almost 10 weeks. Do I think these restrictions are long term solutions? No. But maybe it makes some people feel a little warmer and fuzzier that our government is doing something.

You know what impresses me about petconnection.com? They didn't fall for the doublespeak. They were analyzing the press conferences and picking apart the timelines. Although they never figured out 2 of our 3 buyers (thank goodness), they were darn accurate on 90% of other information they had. (The commentors made some stupid remarks). There are so many things I thought I could contribute to the "fight", but how do you do that and maintain my position? You can't.

Daily I think : What did I learn from this? There is so much.... and maybe that is a blog for another time.

A friend and I were talking today about another friend's attempted suicide. Came across this site and I think the opening sentence is profound and I went ahead and copied/paste the whole thing because I think it is a logical argument for staying alive.


Suicide is not chosen;
it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

That's all it's about.

You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal.

It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now.

If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don't accept it if someone tells you, that�' not enough to be suicidal about. There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

1	You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2	Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, �I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.� Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it�s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3	People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4	Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what�s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try: Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S. Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999 Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line Call a psychotherapist Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen But don�t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
5	Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Well, it�s been a few minutes and you're still with me. I'm really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let's give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won't be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It�s time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I'd like you to call someone.

And while you're at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.

Additional things to read at this site:

• How serious is our condition? ...�he only took 15 pills, he wasn't really serious...� if others are making you feel like you�re just trying to get attention... read this.

• Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

• Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.

• The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.

• Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.

Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.

• Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.

• What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide, includes Suicide Warning Signs.

Other online sources of help:

• The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.

• Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.

• Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.

• Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide and other mental health needs.

• Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.

• If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.

Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.

• Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book

• Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book

• How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book

I'm a fixer. Not a good listener.

Maybe because I'm socially retarded I don' t realize when someone is just wanting to vent and when someone is coming to me for advice. I think stopping and asking, "are you venting or do you want an opinion?" is a little too forward. Subtlety goes over my head.

I don't believe in new year's resolutions, but I believe in making resolves for improvement.

In 2007 I resolve that I will be a better listener and not be so quick to be a fixer.

Sometimes I think you have to go somewhere where the pain outside matches or exceeds the pain inside.

I have a blog in mind to go with this, but it'll have to wait.

My grandmother shared a story with me this past weekend.

She was working in the dining room and up on the shelf is an antique music box. It's not the kind you have to open, but wind up and it'll play. She was at the table sitting when the box started to play, from beginning to end, without her even getting up or bumping the curio cabinet. She believe it was my grandfather talking to her (he passed on Sept 28th after 59 years of marriage).

I believe her and I believe it was him.

This story was mentioned to another member of my family who promptly dismissed the story as unbelievable that it could never have been my grandfather. This family member believes in an afterlife (Christian Heaven), she does not believe the dead can communicate with the living.

What do you think? Possible? Not? How can we know? How do you explain the thousands of stories such as this? Just curious to know your thoughts....

Waiting for the line to move quicker....

Waiting for your friend to get in town....

Waiting for the plane to take off...

Waiting for it to land....

Waiting for Xmas when you're a kid....

Waiting for it to be over when you're an adult....

Waiting for things to get better....

Waiting for a better time to do things...

Waiting for time to pass....

Waiting for things to pass....

Waiting for people to pass....

Waiting for that moment where you can say all the things you didn't say before it was too late...

Waiting to be ready to let go.....

Waiting for the feeling of not wanting to let go to pass....

She was 3 weeks early, but healthy and happy!

This makes niece/nephew #7 (Angie has 3, Sarah has 3, and now Chris!) and I couldn't be happier and more proud for these two!

For my own amusement, pics of the newest niece:

Becky, Chris, and Fay (though I like the name Zelda!)




That red of a face can only mean one thing.....



My sister Sarah with the proud Mommy and baby




A smiling mom!


The sleeping duo

There are different kinds of heroes. There are ones that get all the recognition are on the news and who people talk about. Most heroes are quiet, and don't get the recongition they deserve.

Some might say my Grandfather was a hero because of his actions in WW2. We was officially injured 9 times. He earned a purple heart and a few other awards and metals for bravery and other acts. (I need to write down which ones). They are in a shadow box on the living room wall in my grandparents house. Being on the beach in Normandy and surviving is an act of heroism (and in his case, a lot of luck). But that is not the reason I think he's a hero.


He's a hero because despite a lifetime of hardship (most of it due to physical problems incurred from his injuries and would affect him the rest of his life), he was the most upbeat and optimistic person I know.

I could count on one hand how many times he said something negative about another person. He took pride in working and working hard. He took pride in his family and they were his life. His pride shows in his workmanship, as he has made over 2 dozen clocks that still hang in their home.

At the end, he could barely see and could barely hear. You never heard him complain and he was always worried about others, especially his wife. His grandchildren and great-grandchildren brought him enormous joy. The last time I saw him before we went to the hospital, he grabbed my arm and pointed at my grandmother who was passing through the room and said, "there goes my angel."

I know there were days where the pain had to have been almost too much as the cancer spread. Each day he got up and each day he found the silver lining. In his earlier years, it must have been frustrating to work with hearing loss and other physical problems from the war. Life sometimes gets you down, but Grandpa would never let it show when it did.

He had every reason in the world to be bitter, but instead he rejoiced in his life, his family, his faith, and the small things around him and always uplifted those who knew him.

He was a hero to everyone who knew him.

Last Tues, a good friend of mine went to the monthly meeting of ACLU2.... where did I end up on a fine Tuesday night?


So, here's the breakdown.

~Only one dad showed up and he was married. Men, join your local PTO if you want to be outnumbered 25 to 1. I'm sure I wasn't the only single parent there!

~4 out of 5 women wear mom-jeans. I mean seriously, the jeans don't have to be exactly on your natural waist-line....... but according to the GAP ads I get in my email, tapered jeans are coming back, so a lot of these women are ahead of the style.... trend-setters if you will.

~ only 1 out of 10 women look under 30, but seriously, if I can't have a conversation with you about how I think the Simpsons are politically funny and the last weeks festival at Grinders.... not sure what else we are going to talk about. I don't scrapbook, buy tupperware, and would have rather discussed community involvement of our school (can we make pre-schoolers do community service?????) than which company is going to do school pics this year.

~People are passionate about PRE-SCHOOL pto. hmmmmmm????? Is this there little way of having a niche when you stay at home everyday? You become the fund-raising nazi for your cul-de-sac? Not saying staying at home isn't work.... in fact, it's probably harder than my job, but everyone has a need to feel needed, and I think PTO fills that need for some.

~ Catholic schools do A LOT of fund-raisers..... why do I pay $600+ per month????? Plus, how many times can I hit you up for Entertainment books, wrapping paper, candles, cookie dough, and trash bags? I'd rather just write a $30 check everytime and not mess with it.

~ I was only of only a handful of non-catholics there .... by obvious lack of signing before the prayers.... In fact, I'm proably one of the few Protestants that really isn't into praying (which is a whole other blog). Why do I send my daughter there? Hands down (for the money) the best preschool in the area. Her teachers ROCK!

~ There was too much estrogen in the room, I'm not into cattiness. You could tell by the level of eye-rolling and arm-crossing, there is some history here. I'm trying to decide if I want to stay clear or just jump in and annoy people because I'm new and don't know how "it's the way we've always done it". I could care less if I'm liked or not. I think that is an asset.

~ Next time I need a sitter, as I guess it's custom to head to T.K.s after each meeting. I was told it wasn't kosher to leave abby in the car. (I wonder if she knew I was joking?). So, obviously, it's going to cost me $30 in sitter fees to go, because I have to see what women who only get out one night per month talk about..... better not be tupperware.

Overall, not as bad as I thought, but glad it's only once a month.

Why will I go back? I think it annoys "that crowd" when new people come in and mix up the pot.

I want to be the unusual PTO-er.